if i ever imagined you'd write me a song, this is what it would say.


Girl, I've seen your dreams and they were filled with darkness
Your eyes turn white in the bright light
I know there's torment in your heart
Oh, and it's swimming around your body like a shark

Can you not see me anymore?
Or are you just hiding beneath the floor?
'Cause I can't feel empty anymore

Oh, just hide your heart anywhere
Please hide your heart anywhere from me
'Cause I'm just not ready for
No I'm just not ready for all this

I'll just throw a stone into the wishing well
Oh, walk down to the water's edge and push me into the swell
As I walk down the stairs to face another day
I don't think I drank enough to make your face go away

'Cause I have been waiting here from the start
Hoping the sunlight would rise through the dark
'Cause my heart is yearning for you dear

Oh just hide your heart anywhere
Please hide your heart anywhere from me
'Cause I'm just not ready for
No I'm just not ready for all this

Oh, well the nights are so cold, and I'm breathing you in
Well there's blood on the streets, and it's darker than sin
I don't where I am going, I don't want to know anyway
I just need you here, 'cause you are my sundown
You are my sundown, you are my sundown, you are mine

heartbeats.

i miss writing.
where have my passions gone?

intensity.
i close my eyes and breathe.
magic in simplicity.
comfort lust love.
guard. keep guarded.
good enough? right or wrong?
we were.

what direction are we headed?
i miss you.

Wait, do you see my heart on my sleeve?
It's been there for days on end and
It's been waiting for you to open up
Just you baby, come on now
I'm trying to tell you just how
I'd like to hear the words roll out of your mouth finally
Say that it's always been me

That's made you feel a way you've never felt before
And I'm all you need and that you never want more
Then you'd say all of the right things without a clue
But you'd save the best for last
Like I'm the one for you

You should know that you're just a temporary fix
This is not rooted with you it don't mean that much to me
You're just a filler in the space that happened to be free
How dare you think you'd get away with trying to play me

Why is it everytime I think I've tried my hardest
It turns out it ain't enough cause you're still not mentioning love
What am I supposed to do to make you want me properly?
I'm taking these chances and getting away
And though I'm trying my hardest you back to her
And I think that I know things may never change
I'm still hoping one day I might hear you say

I make you feel a way you've never felt before
And I'm all you need and that you never want more
Then you'd say all of the right things without a clue
But you'd save the best for last
Like I'm the one for you

You should know that you're just a temporary fix
This is not rooted with you it don't mean that much to me
You're just a filler in the space that happened to be free
How dare you think you'd get away with trying to play me

But, despite the truth that I know
I find it hard to let go and give up on you
Seems I love the things you do
Like the meaner you treat me the more eager I am
To persist with this heartbreak and running around
And I think that I know things may never change
I'm still hoping one day I might hear you say

I make you feel a way you've never felt before
And I'm all you need and that you never want more
And we'll say all of the right things without a clue
And you'll be the one for me and me the one for you

i have my own apartment for 6 months... sweeeett

the sex and the city movie reminds me of my life.
on and off for 10 years, in between boyfriends, false love, affairs.
eventually leading to an apartment and marriage.
then being left at the alter.
to a happily ever after.
i'm still in love with you.
forever.

I'm realizing more and more every day how much more mature I am than a lot of other people. I feel like such a better person because of it too.
It still amazes me the kind of drama that people conjure up when it's completely not necessary.
Every one in this world should smoke weed and then try telling me if they have a care in the world about anything except for being happy, being loved, and having best friends.
Truthfully, weed has changed my life in such a positive way. I feel like there's just such a better way to live life instead of stressing the little things and complaining over the fine details. Everything happens for a reason and I get it so much now. You can't fight your fate, so why try?
there's nothing I can say is actually affecting my attitude anymore the way it used to.
I feel like suddenly a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders and the things I used to get so worked up over are not even worth being worked up over for more than a mere minute. Life is too short and stress kills. So next time you get all pissed off or cry about something start asking yourself if it's even worth being in a bad mood over, cause I bet not.
Love life. Smoke weed. The world is a great place and i'm lucky to be alive.
=)

"You are the single most important person in my life. One thing I have come to realize is that love is not always happiness. There are tears, anger confusion, fears, but at the same time there are smiles, laughter, joys, and understanding. All of those things can happen. That's why love is such an emotional thing. You can feel so many different emotions at the same time. That's why it's so overwhelming. But I know one thing ... I would not take back any single thing. Everything that has happened between us happened for some reason. And us being strong and making it through this, it only shows that our love is strong enough to last."


it's been a long time for us.
& it was all well worth it.
Ross Edward<3

going to ACCC is kind of like going to atlantic city high school, only no one shows up for classes. it's a really weird feeling.

ross comes home tomorrow and i finally got my car back. so hooray to that.

it's been a long time since i've written in here, but i guess over the summer i had my best friends to confide in and i didn't need to be writing as much. the journal still does justice though because i do still love writing and i do still feel like i can express myself better through words than anything else in this world.

the summer has come and gone. ross was first to leave, mari and paige second, jaq and ryan third, sean and scott, and then theres zach and kim. i learned a lot this year. i felt more like myself than i ever have, and i truly stopped worrying about what other people think/thought of me. rumors are always going to be there, i know that much, but it's just a matter of time before you realize if it's not something you regret, or something you didn't even do- who cares? i've grown as a person. i don't take shit or handle things the way i used to and i certainly grew up and noticed that people aren't who you think they are. a lot of people can't be trusted, almost everyone you meet will let you down, and eventually i got things together inside my head, heart and self, and i feel better. there's still so many things i'd love to do over, or wish i had more of a relationship with some of my friends. shit happens for a reason though right, if i hadn't have lost katie and all them as friends, i never would have become so close to kim, mari, and paige and that would have been a sin. they're not the kind of people who sit around and point fingers because they think its funny or entertaining. they have fun, do what they do, let their friends do what they want, and their there regardless of if they dont agree or do. that's a true friend in my eyes. and i've become one too because of them. because of the things i lost as well. i've learned to stay true to myself and nothing matters more.

seeing everyone leave has been hard too. mari and paige are having the time of their lives, and everyone has these exciting stories about college. i can hit myself in the head for wanting to be home because now i'm upset i can't share my stories. i just wanna visit everyone. my time will come eventually tho. i just have to look at the bright side of things i suppose.

meanwhile, if anyone was wondering- me and ross are still together. he's going to chestnut hill which is about an hour from me and he came home this weekend to see me for the day. yes, it's already been hard. i miss him every day and a week without him feels a year to me. but i feel like hes better now, knock on wood. he's become a better person and i feel it inside me when im with him. people will say im crazy for staying with him but it feels perfectly right to me so i don't care.

a lot has changed and while i wanna catch up and pour my heart out about every thing thats happen to me the last 7 weeks i haven't written. it's all in my head. it'll stay there until it needs to. :)

This is how it works
You're young until you're not
You love until you don't
You try until you can't
You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath

No, this is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some
Someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood
And walking arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You'll just do it all again


love is free.
i love kim and ross and mari and jackie and paige and christina and matt and every person that is involved with my life at this point. i wouldnt change the way things worked out for me at all.